Left Diaryland

Diaryland is gone and closed. If you try to check it, you will find the purple crap. I have transferred all entries over here, that I wanted to keep. ❤ I still have livejournal that I have not used in forever. I will aim to keep those entries and switch them to here possibly. ❤

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Angel’s – Wonderful Dream

Angel’s – Wonderful Dream – 10.05.08 – 6:42 AMNow this is an Angel’s Dream. That is the theme of the dream, so read on if you are interested. Now most of you read my last post on the some inside believe in God and some don’t. I know that sounds odd to some of you and the rest of you understand given the huge varying degrees of folks who reside in this body. BTW, I discovered two more NEW folks. That is another post.

The dream was SO interesting to me. The first part was messed up and its best described as my mind’s way of saying I am so violated and disgusted with the events with Shannon as of late. Seriously, I have lost some respect for him. But anyway…

The rest of the dream was NEAT. Most of you know I am in a group online that deals with all sorts of things occult and being open minded enough to learn, if you so wish. Well I am taking a lot of varying courses and being so shocked at just how much I know and am willing to learn. If any of you get interested in seeing about these things, just holler at me and I’ll hook you up, but it does require you to be so open minded and not pushy about your own personal views. There is a way of being firm in beliefs and there is a way of being so disrespectful that you will get kicked out. Luckily, I’m open minded enough that all I ever asked was that no one challenge me to give up my faith and faith in Angels for sure. The reason is because these two things are what has kept me alive over the years when nothing else can. Now this faith (given inner crew) means accepting a higher power or some universe out there that has some impact on what you do. Positive thinking, positive visulalization, and positive wishes are such realms of power and it works.

Now onto the dream. Hold onto your hats, as it was a doozy. Now given my stuides and stuff and the varying degrees of my dreams – I will say there is another life in dreams. I’ve never made it a secret of calling it astral traveling or astral projecting. Well in dreams, you can also end up in a “school” of learning and you do learn from anyone/everything. Case in point, is those dreams of being in military and helping/seeing events going on that later turn to be real because I was there in some sense. I love this part of my life. Not the bad awful horrid dreams, but the helping and having a life outside what I have here physically as it sucks badly sometimes. Last night, I was taught by Angels. I can’t remember all of the dream, but I remember what is most important. I was here with Shannon and Brent and I dunno what we were doing, but in the school of learning on the other side, we were learning something and I know Brent was asking me to do some Reiki, because he didn’t believe in it and he “sampled” it and he suggested that I try to master/specialize in it and see about using it to make an honest living instead of just being with my SSI.

Now that sends pure fear through me. I know in the dream, I mentioned not having minded it, but sometimes I have such social situation issues that makes being around strangers hell. I still cannot pinpoint if its the emapthy part of me, or if its the whole realms of thoughts that go through my mind that makes OCD a factor. Ya know, germs, safety issues, trust issues, and the inability to flee should I feel the need to do so. I HATE so much being trapped anywhere without anyway out. (Which is a factor in the telehell crap.)

But anyway in the dream, I guess I was testing a theory out with the boys or something as I just remember talking around and I had some chalkboard here with chalk. Well as we were talking, I happened to glance at the board and there was writing on it and it was not done by Shannon, Brent, or I. That was freaky and a bit spooky. I mean to be there and have something going on while you did not physically see the chalk move, but it did… So I was talking the opportunity to ask questions and I was getting responses. Sometimes in the dream, I would write a question and we would get answers back within a minute but we couldn’t watch the board. It’s that sense of a watched pot won’t boil. Then, a neat idea hit me. If it can work on the chalkboard (In the dreams) what about it working on the computer. Why not type out my questions and then leave it to be, so they can type on my computer and answer me back that way. I was even suggesting about it through cell phones in text messages. Well in the dream, they said they could do it. They could have us writing questions and they would type back answers and even get ahold of you through cellphones if its major enough. Hell, in the dream I was getting a few text messages and I remember one was clearly saying, “Ok.” And it was from the sender of, “Beacon.” Short for Beacon Of Light. I was fascinated in the dream that I was so happy, after I got over my first few freaked out moments as I felt somewhat violated that something was going on without my consent ya know. But I woke up.

I woke up and realized that most of this could not happen, but the cellphone part could happen. I mean you hear Angel stories (if you are interested) of people getting saved and so on. I was just so happy to have had this dream. No one can take this away from me. So argue all you want, but you cannot make me stop believing in Angels. I even asked my Psychic friend if God ever got mad because I would talk/trust Angels more than I would trust him because I was SO mad at God for a lot of things. She said no, that God did not ever get mad because he understands the pain and trust issues. Which is my line of thinking too, but when you hear some folks who are so die-hard religious challenge these things – well it makes me reject Christianity of churches and organized religion. Sorry, but it does. My thinking always been how I was told that it was supposed to be a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so why bring the church into it ya know? Even Tori believes in that thought process and she’s supposed to be the most faith based person inside here.

But anyway – wasn’t that a lovely dream? For those of you who were interested enough to read and actually read it – Thank you.

Dad – 12-09-2008

Dad – 12.09.08 – 10:53 PM Ok I’m finally ready to talk about it. I’ll go ahead and mention the stuff that went on lately. I had gotten a phone call Saturday that my dad ended up in the hospital. My sister said he was pretty sick. I found out later that they (hosp) said he was going to die, but the family omitted that detail from me, which I’m thankful for as I was already upset enough anyhow. Docs told my family that he had pnumonia, a bad UTI, and a mild heart attack. They had him transferred out to TN hospital about two hours from here.

I’ll bypass the emotional bits and just state the doctor was wrong. Dad did have a bad UTI (got infection in his blood) but no heart attack or pnumonia. He was not going to die. I went to visit him again today after seeing him on Saturday. (It was that bad for me.) Dad is doing lots better, but I’m still scared to death even though there is no real reason. His stats are fine, outside minor lung irritation from the stress etc and still with bad UTI. They claim it is because his lungs took some damage from the stress of having the infection and the lungs need to heal and he still has blood in his urine but they say it’s pushing the infection out and not to worry, but I’m worrying anyway. The resp. therapist says the lungs is having to do hard work due to infection and yes, his weight. I know dad is big, but I never realized how big until I saw him in the hospital bed on his side… under the hospital sheet laying on his side.

Doc swears it (UTI infection) did not come on fast, (like they led it on to be) but that his body probably didn’t really tell HIM loud enough until God shouted it out to EVERYONE. (literally and honestly) My mom is okay other than her back is hurting naturally and I know she is worried, but none seem to comprehend how upset I am, but I put on a brave front but its hard. I know my dad is going to be okay and that he looked good today compared to Saturday and he reassured me plenty that he was going to be okay, but I’m still freaked out. But they talked about possibly moving dad to mini rehab nursing home for physical therapy and it would be in virginia, so I think it maybe in their town, but cannot be sure yet. I hate to say it, but I think I’m traumatized deeply. I know I’m so frustrated as to why I’m so upset about it, but the others are okay about it all. Not one of them got as upset as I did on Saturday, outside my sister having to tell me on the phone. Well, to be honest she TRIED to tell me, but did ask for Shannon, so he had to relay that news. I may be deaf and may have difficulties on the phone, but I can hear emotional struggles and tell something is wrong. But hey. He will be okay. Although, I do feel bad for Shannon having to tell me the news. Heaven help him if one of them passes before me.

I did give my dad Reiki and I know it helped him a ton. Would any of you want to hear the testimonies of God shouting to everyone about my dad? It’s amusing to say the least and definitely is a big scratching the head to explain it all ha ha. I have to type it up for my best friend anyway and wondered if you all wanted to know it too? Heck, I’ll end up posting it here anyway – its just so wild even for me to believe and I DO believe.

Seizure

Seizure – 01.30.09 – 4:12 PMI know this is terrible of me and I should not post such cliff hangers, but I need to vent a few little things and get it out before I can just find time to sit down and get it all out of my system. I guess one can say its not a safe place at the moment.

On Tuesday night – sometime after 9:30 pm, but before 11 pm Shannon had a seizure. I was there and I had Betty call Rescue Squad. They came and we were in the ER until 4 am Wednesday, when we got a hold of his friend Billy to come get us from the ER and bring us back to his house.

Since then, I’ve been doing some driving, not happily or willingly, but someone has to do it. Shannon and I cannot figure, for the life of us, what in the hell brought this on – outside of his stupidity to not get his seizure meds and diabetic meds. Now mind you, the being off meds was MONTHS, so no clue… as to why NOW of all times to have a seizure.

That is all I can say right now. There is no time for the rest, but I got the most I can say for the time being and I’ll try to do a full entry later.

#2 – Khan’s Seizures

#2 – Khan’s Seizures – 03.07.09 – 12:27 AM – 11:20 PM – 3.6.2009I was laying in bed and found myself talking out the seizure night. So I figured I would get up and type it out. I really don’t know how or where to start, so I’ll just start. Let’s just say at first I figured the seizure was just a petite mal seizure, but after talking to Khan, we figure he had several seizures that night so it all added up to a grand mal seizure, but I was spared the typical seizure habits that Khan usually has when they hit him. He says most times he gets knocked out and doesn’t usually get conscious until at the hospital.

For this, I am thankful. I really don’t know how I would have handled it. Umm, well at the time being we had been talking. We had tried to be intimate, but it was one of those we were tired, so if it happened great and if not, no biggie. We were trying when the seizure hit. I’ll spare the details naturally and I’ll spare the natural fears that occurr from such events happening during those moments and the fears that arose afterwards and just state that being intimate was difficult. Things are fine now, but I still get my moments.

We had been talking and before we went to bed I did take my meds. Seroquel helps me to sleep. Usually it takes an hour and a half to two hours to kick in, depending on my body and my day. So… to have been talking with him and trying to be intimate… well all of a sudden it was like I spaced out big time. Like I left my body and dissociated completely. Another way to describe that feeling is like being in a bed and having it feel like you are falling through, but instead of falling down or backwards – you fall upwards almost like jumping out of your own body or out of body experiences. That scared the hell out of me, but I hadn’t thought much of it because past sexual abuse led to constant feeling out of my body experiences. What really confused me was how right after that happened – I was hit with this overwhelming intense need to sleep – my eyes were having trouble staying open. It was like I had been hit immediately by my Seroquel, which I knew was NOT possible. Still… that happened. That is when I was like okay… what is going on here and I do remember shaking my head to wake up and be alert and as soon as that happened – that is when the seizure hit.

Khan had leaned forward on me, as if he was going to fall asleep on my shoulder. He has done that before, so I hadn’t thought too much at first. Then his legs started shaking. Shaking as if he was having leg cramps, which he has had many times before. So again, I had not thought too much just yet. But it was when his upper body started shaking – that is when I knew he was having a seizure. I couldn’t tell you how long it lasted, but I figure maybe 30 seconds or less. I know I had asked him if he was having a seizure and he said no, but that he was just very tired. He had leaned forward as if he was going to try to sleep, but I was alarmed. I had watched him for a few seconds and I noticed he was turning red. I knew something wasn’t right. So I tried to lift him up and that was impossible to do. I had to push down on the bed to give him air room and I was trying to push him up on his side, but he was almost like dead weight. I did have to keep talking to him and I was trying to get him to roll on his back, as I was MORE CONCERNED with him breathing and making sure he was getting air. I did not know if he was having a seizure or a heart attack. I dunno why, but I rubbed the front of his chest for a bit and I asked him if he was having a heart attack or a seizure and he said no and that he was just tired.

And then he was hit again with another seizure spell and started shaking really bad. I knew right then and there it was a seizure. I knew to make sure his head was not around anything sharp or hard. I knew I needed to try to get him to the hospital as he was still a bit red. Now … remember we had been trying to be intimate. So I knew he/we both needed clothes on ASAP. So I was trying to get him to be more awake and alert so I could get clothes on him, but he is such a stubborn ass!!! He would not stay put and let me get the clothes for him and put it on him. He had to get up and move around/stumble all over the place to get clothes on. I did get clothes on and I made sure he was ok enough and I ran upstairs to tell Betty to call the Rescue Squad and that he was having/had seizures.

She did call them and I went back to check on him and beg him to sit down somewhere so I could get the extra clothes he was trying to find, but he would not listen to me and he had to go hunting for his own clothes. So fine. I helped him and helped him get upstairs and tried to get him to sit down, but he would not do it. He kept insisting he was not having a seizure and that he just had a bad flu that hit him. He was throwing up a bit. So I made him FINALLY sit down and I was trying to get his stuff together, but I could not find his fucking wallet. So the rescue squad came and we got him loaded up and into the hospital.

We got him into the ER and stuff. They got him stablized in the ambulance, but had to get him further stabalized naturally. The fucking idiots of a doctor and nurses had the balls to ask me how long the seizures lasted. I’m like I don’t know!! This is the first time it ever happened with me. But I told them I thought maybe it lasted a minute or two. This further infuriates me because I’m not going to be watching him have seizures and go oh I need to time this shit and get a stop watch!! No my main concern is going to be sure he is not going to hit anything sharp and that he is still breathing.

The hospital ended up checking his sugar and it was 406. His potassium was very low, so they gave him tablets. They did give him a lot of insulin and dilatin to stop the seizure. The doctor had asked what happened and I relayed the part of talking and he was leaning over to kiss me and started to fall asleep on me and have leg shaking and seizures and not knowing if he was having heart attack or seizures etc. I omitted the part of trying to be intimate. They did not need to know that shit. Doc did come in to mention his sugar was 406 and I gasped because I couldn’t believe it was SO high. Poor Khan was so out of it that when the doc mentioned it he said, “Ok.” Doc got pissed and said, “No! That is NOT Ok.” I told doc that he had not been taking ANY of his meds for a few months because he was too stubborn to go to the doctors. I’m not kidding! He refused to go to the doctors because he did not have any insurance. I told him all he had to do was fill his taxes out, print them out, give them to the program where he can get his Dilatin free and the Metformin was on the $4 list at walmart. So he had NO excuse for pulling this hit of not taking his meds, but I can only nag so much before he gets pissy with me for nagging on him – so he made his own bed!!! He did admit to the doctor he was stupid for doing this and having this happen. This is the only reason he did not get his license pulled. The doc was under the impression that he had a seizure because his sugar was high and he had not been taking ANY of his medications. If he had taken ALL of his meds, this would not have happened to him.

While in the hospital waiting for him to stabalize and waiting to hear if they would discharge him or admit him. I happened to remember how I had been hit with this “spacing out and leaving body feeling… as well as the being hit with sleepiness badly.” I realized then and there that the Gods/Angels and whatever – warned me. They warned me of what was going on before it happened. I truly believe this “forewarning” is what kept me from being super hysterical. I did not cry. I did not go bat shit crazy, but I did go into hyper anxious panic attack. I kept my cool and did fairly well given the circumstances. If I had not been able to get Khan to talk and move – I probably would have went ten shades of bat crazy freaking out. I’m not ashamed to admit it period.

I know this forewarning is what saved his life and saved parts of my sanity. I had been planning to go home earlier that day, but in the end I decided to stay a few more days. Good thinking because if I had not – he would have died because no one would have known he had a seziure. If my quick thinking on his turning red to get air into him SOMEHOW – I know he would have died. My biggest regret is trying to get him to talk because in between the first seizure and the second one hitting him – he bit his tongue. So of course, he had blood in his mouth and on his hand. His tongue went numb, purple, and he couldn’t talk well for a while. He still has numbness and when pushed talking a lot – he starts to talk funny because of the numbness. I told Khan, I feel the tongue biting is my fault because if I had not been trying to get him to talk and be alert/conscious then he would not have bit his tongue.

The huge fall outs resulting was several times after the seizure and he was at home recuperating – he kept yelling and arguing with everyone. He had told me several times that he wished I had just let him die. He said that on the 7th of February. The anniversary of my grandfather’s death. So yeah… that was lovely to hear and put up with… I did my best to overlook it and realize it was just him so frustrated with everything and just lashing out. What really pissed me off was when he did it again on the 13th. The anniversary of RC’s death. I snapped on him that night. My trying to be strong and brave did not last long. I was so upset. I was crying bad.

Sitting there crying as I’m listening to him tell me he wishes I would have just let him die and I’m like okay… So I snapped. I said ok fine if this ever happens again am I to just let you die? Do I just watch you turn red/purple/blue and watch you leave me behind like everyone else? I snapped completely and said I sat there honestly thinking that well if the next time he has a seizure as much as he bitches how I should have let him die and how he hates life so much – I honestly sat there thinking do I let him die because he bitches so much?! I sat there saying how I do feel torn of do I let him die and then save him because I wanted him around to be with me, but if he wanted to die – then I needed to know because I was going to stay until the end of the month for his birthday and I would celebrate it with him and our 8.5 years anniversary and then I would leave him. I would leave him, break up, and go away and never come back and ever see him again because I was not going to watch him die, if he wanted to die so badly. He won’t let me kill myself, so why should I let him do it to himself. I was not going to stick around and waste my time and my love on someone who wanted to die – because I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be here with me.

I was really upset beyond words. We all had it with him and his bull shit this way. I know saying all of that hurt him like hell, but he had to hear the truth. We were sick and tired of hearing how we should have let him die – when we were seriously at risk of losing him that night and here I was facing anniversary dates of those I loved so much – as much as I loved him and they were all dead and he wanted to join them?!? So I did tell him what was I to do if he ever has another seizure because we HONESTLY did not know and we WANTED to know HIS wishes. Finally he said of course, to save his life and call the ambulance. I said fine. Good. Then I would not leave him and break up.

So Valentine’s day was not great. He wouldn’t let me get him a card or anything. He got me a card, a bear, and a journal type notebook. I was upset with him for it because I told him being here was all I needed. I finally told him how he kept saying those he wished I let him die on those anniversary dates and how I had to keep from screaming at him to stop it – because it was really hurting me. He did apologize. I told him I understood lashing out and I didn’t fault him, but that it was really unfair.

I know he had been very irritated with me because every time at night – if he jerked or anything – I freaked out. I got to the point, I couldn’t be intimate. I wouldn’t dare go there. He wanted to several times, but I said no. I took care of him other ways though. I got to the point I couldn’t dare sleep until I knew he was asleep first. Seroquel was not going to knock me out period. And any time he flinched or anything I woke up. Woke up to be sure he was ok and stuff. He never knew I did it. It took a month before I got comfortable enough to sleep again and not freak every time he jerks or his legs move. He does have Restless Leg Syndrome like me. Every time he leans forward on me or looked for a second like he was going to turn red or not get enough air – I checked on him and had him move etc. I know all of this irritated him, but he slowly got to understand how all of this affected me.

This week has been the first time I’ve been alone. Christmas was at my folks place and time with worry over dad etc. I did come home for a few days to get my internet switched over, but I went to Khan’s place afterwards. Betty got sick, the William got sick, and then he had his seizure. Adding in there the back pain I had before his seizure and how Khan and I got the flu recently. Stupid me, went to give blood and I’m so tired from it now. I know it’s all my body finally coming to terms with everything.

I don’t have the heart to tell Khan how all of this flares up the PSTD symptoms that I have… I don’t have the heart to tell him that my anxiety and panic attacks are back full force. I’m still extremely upset by everything. I hate to even talk about his seizures because it upsets me beyond words and I don’t want to cry in front of people. Yet, I do need to look into getting back into counseling. There is no way I can just handle the PTSD flare up and the panic attacks without some outlet… same for the guilt issues I feel about multitudes of things lately. So I am so exhausted and terrified. I just want things to settle down and I don’t want to freak out anymore. 12:24 AM